Discernment Counseling for Couples on the Brink

Couples therapy is great for couples in which both partners are clear that they want to work on the relationship. But what about couples in which one or both partners are not so sure that they are committed to either the relationship, or the couples therapy process? If you are:

• Considering divorce and not sure that you want to work on the relationship

• Have tried couples therapy before and are skeptical whether it can actually help your relationship

• Are married to or partnered with someone who has shared that they want a divorce / to break up

What is Discernment Counseling?

First, let’s start with what discernment counseling is NOT. Discernment Counseling is not couples therapy. The goal of discernment counseling is not to fix your relationship problems. 

The goal of discernment counseling is to help you gain confidence and clarity in deciding the next step in your relationship. 

Discernment Counseling is an evidence-based protocol developed by William J. Doherty at the University of Minnesota.

Who is Discernment Counseling for?

Discernment Counseling was developed for what the field of couples therapy calls “mixed agenda couples,” which is pretty much what it sounds like - couples where each partner has a different goal. This includes couples in which one partner is heavily leaning toward wanting a divorce, while the other partner wants to stay married. It also includes couples in which one partner is very skeptical about whether couples therapy could actually help the relationship, and one partner who definitely wants to work on the relationship problems. Basically, it is for any couple in which there is not total clarity about wanting a divorce, and there is also not a clear commitment to work on the relationship. 

The Three Paths of Discernment Counseling

Discernment Counseling helps couples choose between three paths:

1. Status Quo. Stay in your relationship as is, without a commitment to a process for change.

2. Divorce / Separation

3. A 6-month commitment to couples therapy in which divorce / separation is off the table. 

If you are in a committed relationship, we know that you probably do not take lightly the decision to end your relationship. Discernment Counseling can help you feel confident about your choice. Your discernment counselor will help challenge you to consider fully all your options, help you understand how couples therapy may or may not be able to help you address your concerns, and help you understand your own contributions to the problems of your relationship. 

How Does Discernment Counseling Work?

The only commitment you need to make in beginning Discernment Counseling is a 2 hour initial session. After each session of Discernment Counseling, each partner in a couple will decide whether they want to commit to a next session. 

In the first session, you will spend the first part of the session with both partners and the therapist, exploring a few key questions:

• What’s happened to your relationship that’s gotten you to the point where divorce / breaking up is a possibility?

• What have you done to try to fix your relationship problems?

• What role, if any, do children play in your decision making about the future of the relationship?

• What has been good about being a couple?

After this initial time together, the Discernment Counselor will spend some time alone with each member of the couple, continuing to help each individual explore their decision-making process around the paths. The Discernment Counselor will help you better understand the problems that couples therapy has the potential to address, as well as to help you get clearer about your own role in the relationship problems. 

At the end of the one-on-one time with each partner, the other partner will be brought in so that they can hear a summary of what their partner would like to share about what came out of their individual time with the Discernment Counselor. 

You will close with a brief time together in which the Discernment Counselor will share any insights about the relationship, and offer the opportunity for another discernment counseling session. 

Discernment Counseling is typically limited to a maximum of five sessions in order to stay very focused on the goal of choosing between the three paths - staying with the status quo, divorce / separation, or a 6-month commitment to couples therapy. 

After a Path Has Been Chosen

Once a path has been chosen, your Discernment Counselor will help support the best possible transition. This may mean acknowledging the realities that have led you to believe that maintaining the status quo is your best option, supporting you with resources for a collaborative and successful divorce process that keeps the whole family’s best interests in mind, or setting you up for the highest likelihood of couples therapy being successful.

Transitions to Path 1: Status Quo

Sometimes there are realities that make people decide that their best option for the time being is to stick with the status quo. They aren’t ready for a commitment to couples therapy, and they aren’t ready to pull the plug on the relationship. Your Discernment Counselor will respect your decision, and help you recognize future opportunities to revisit the decision. 

Transitions to Path 2: Divorce

If you or your spouse ultimately decide on Path 2, Divorce or Separation, your discernment counselor will help you focus on having a “good divorce” - one in which you honor each other’s feelings, keep the needs of kids front and center, and avoid an adversarial process that can do damage to everyone involved. 

Transitions to Path Three: A 6-month Commitment to Couples Therapy

If you and your partner decide to commit to couples therapy, your discernment counselor will help you eac develop a Personal Agenda for Change. This is a document that you can refer back to that spells out what you are committed to work on during the couples therapy process. You will also sign an Agreement to Pursue Reconciliation together with your partner, where you both commit to putting your best foot forward and taking separation off the table during couples therapy. We have found that both the Personal Agenda for Change and the shared Agreement to Pursue Reconciliation provide a strong foundation that helps couples therapy be successful. 

Discernment Counseling FAQs

If we choose Path 3, can we keep working with our Discernment Counselor?

Yes. If you choose Path 3, you and your Discernment Counselor will sign an agreement signaling the transition to couples therapy, and acknowledging the change of role from Discernment Counselor to Couples Therapist. You will agree together on the goals of couples therapy, which are different than those of Discernment Counseling. 

You may also choose, or your Discernment Counselor may recommend, that you work with a different therapist for couples therapy. This may be appropriate in situations in which a different therapist offers a specialty that would be helpful for you and your partner, or whose fees or schedule are better able to support you working with them consistently.

What if I or my partner is having an affair?

It is not uncommon that couples who come to Discernment Counseling have some type of affair going on, disclosed or undisclosed. If you are having an affair, your Discernment Counselor will work with you from a compassionate and non-judgmental perspective to help you understand better the function of the affair, and whether you are prepared to move on from it and work on the relationship. If your partner is having an affair, your Discernment Counselor will help you determine whether you still want to try to work on the relationship, and how to set boundaries that allow for the possibility of healing the relationship while still maintaining your dignity. 

Can we start Discernment Counseling if we are already in Couples Therapy?

Sometimes you or your couples therapist may recognize that couples therapy is no longer the appropriate intervention for you and your partner / spouse. It may be that you were both fully invested when you began the process, but now one or both of you is losing hope, or has become less invested. It may be appropriate to switch to a Discernment Counseling format, so that if you continue couples therapy, it is from a place of shared commitment to the process. 

You don’t have to navigate one of the biggest decisions of your life alone.

Colorado Therapy Collective has skillful and experienced therapists trained in Discernment Counseling that can help you feel confident and clear in your decision-making process. Wouldn’t you like the peace of mind that comes with knowing you got all the support you could in navigating this decision? Reach out today at 720-204-8589, or fill out this form to learn more or schedule a complimentary consultation.