It’s something that most people wonder about when contemplating starting therapy: how often will I go? Different schools of therapy have different ideas about frequency and length of treatment, and I’m not here to tell you that there is one right way to do it. However, I am going to make a case for the benefits of going to therapy regularly, at a regularly scheduled time.
My preference for this is based on a number of key factors: First, the therapy relationship is a relationship. It requires consistency and momentum to build, just like any other new relationship. Second, scheduling things regularly frees up brain power, and routine is (generally) good for us. Third, the space between the things that feel like crises or the times that we “don’t know what to talk about” can sometimes be the most fertile space for growth and awareness.
Growing the Therapy Relationship
People come to therapy for a wide variety of reasons, from wanting a quick fix to a discrete problem, to just wanting a space to explore, vent, and get support. Regardless of the reason you are seeking therapy, the reality is that all therapy happens in the context of the relationship between the therapist and you, the client. Therapy relationships tend to be built much more quickly than relationships built over small talk, but they still require time and consistency to build! Your therapist needs to get to know your unique history, as well as to watch present moment patterns unfold, in order to best support you. You need to develop a sense of trust with your therapist that they really see you, value you, and will work to repair when there are moments that they miss you. I often recommend to clients that even if they aren’t sure they want to meet weekly indefinitely, that they at least schedule weekly sessions for the first month that we are working together, so that we can build momentum and get to know each other.
Therapy relationships also have the potential to become a source of secure attachment. As humans, we are wired to connect with others, and we tend to do best when we have a strong web of connections and relationships in which we feel safe, seen, and supported. One of the purposes of therapy is to help us strengthen that web of relationships with friends, family, and partners. But the therapy relationship can also be an example of secure attachment itself! Hopefully, your therapist is someone that you feel safe with, that you know has your back and cares about you, and that you trust you can work through anything difficult that arises with care.
Creating a Routine
One of the reasons that routines are so good for us is that once they are established, we need much less brainpower to maintain them - they have gotten encoded into what we call “procedural memory.” To be clear, I’m not suggesting that you get into a routine while inside the therapy room, but I am suggesting that you take the question and choice out of “will I go to therapy this week?” “will I have something to talk about next week?” “I really wish I could talk to my therapist about this but she doesn’t have any openings for 3 weeks.” Instead, give yourself the gift of consistency, and find a regular time that works for you and your therapist, and stick to it. This will give you an opportunity to learn how to best prepare for therapy, whether it’s taking the drive to center and think about what you might want to talk about, or how to take care of yourself after therapy, like scheduling at least a half hour before your next meeting so you can go for a walk or meditate. For many people, including busy professionals and parents, the act of blocking off time that is just for you, and uninterrupted, is itself an act of radical self-care.
What if I have nothing to talk about?
If I had a nickel for the number of deep, meaningful therapy sessions I’ve had in which a client began with, “I don’t have much to talk about today,” well, I wouldn’t be rich because it’s 2021 and a nickel isn’t very much money, but I would have a very large jar of nickels! While there is great value in going to therapy when you are in the thick of a stressful situation, or deep in a depressive or anxious episode (we are, after all, not wired to be all alone with big emotions or stressful situations), there is often just as much or more value in coming to therapy when you are feeling good, or the depression has lifted a little bit. It is often these moments that we are best able to make meaning of a situation, most able to implement healthy coping skills, or most resourced in order to do difficult but important trauma work.
But therapy is expensive
This is a fair point. It’s important to find a therapist that is within your budget. There is a difference between prioritizing your mental and relational health enough to invest in it, and seeing a therapist that is truly beyond your means. However, this is one of the benefits of scheduling therapy regularly as well - you can budget for it. If you can’t find a way in your budget to see a therapist at least twice a month, then that therapist may not be a good fit for you. At Nancy Brittain Counseling, we generally have a graduate student clinician who sees folks at a lower fee, and you can also often find low-fee clinics as part of graduate training programs. You also may try using your insurance (you can either search for an in-network therapist or submit for out-of-network reimbursement), or use HSA or FSA funds.
I hope this blog post has provided some food for thought about the benefits of scheduling regular therapy sessions. Of course, there is no substitute for talking to your therapist about your unique situation and needs, but it might be worth considering what is holding you back from making this regular investment and commitment to your emotional health or to your relationship in the case of couple or family therapy.
