Making a lifelong commitment to someone else is a big deal, and oftentimes couples struggle to know what conversations to have and how to have them to make sure they are “on the same page” or at least have an understanding of their partner. In this series, we’ll cover 9 aspects of your relationship that are important to understand your partner's beliefs on and give you tips for ways to have these conversations when they might be sources of conflict.

Family Culture
Intersectional Identities
Religion and Spirituality
Finances
Household Chores
Stress
Personality
Sex
Kids

More than anything, it is important to understand your partner's beliefs and why those feel important to them. There may not be any sort of conclusion you come to at the end of these conversations but this is a good start to building empathy for your partner and understanding why they have the values that they do. If you notice that you or your partner are becoming upset or having trouble listening while discussing the following topics, it may be a good idea to take a break and come back when you are feeling more regulated. If you find that it consistently leads to conflict when you try to discuss these topics, it may be a sign that you could use the help of a couples therapist.

Family Culture

There is a lot of ground to cover in a conversation about your family history and background, which is why it is difficult to know where to start. Essentially, you’ll want to gain a deeper understanding of how your upbringing differs from your partner’s and where that has led to a difference in beliefs or values.

For example, some families are closer-knit than others, meaning they value spending a lot of time with one another and sometimes even place the importance of the family over the importance of the individual. Conflict can come up when you believe that your partner should prioritize the relationship over everything else, because of your family’s dynamics, and your partner believes that you should both prioritize yourselves over the relationship, because of the messages they received about family growing up. Neither of these is right or wrong, but it can bring up a lot of emotions when you want your relationship to be one way and your partner wants it another.

It is necessary to explore how your family dynamics contribute to the way that you’d like your partner to show up in the relationship. Listen to your partner and be curious about how their upbringing contributes to who they are now. If the topic starts to get emotionally escalated, just remember that no decision has to be made about how the relationship will go - simply explore your beliefs with your partner.

Questions to consider:

How were arguments handled by your parents?
What did you learn about emotions and expressing them from your family?
How was the I - We balance in your family? (Was there a balance between independence and dependence on your family or was it expected that you be far more independent than dependent, or vice versa?)
Was there one person in your family that acted as a “leader” or was the person “in charge” and the others were expected to follow along?
How was change handled in your family? Do/Did you have long-standing traditions? Does/Did anyone get upset when changes occur(ed)?
Were there many rules in your household that were expected to be followed?
Was your family close as a unit? Were there certain members you are closer to than others?
Are there aspects of how your family functions that you consider part of a broader culture? (I.e., “Our family is Latinx and so we are more collectivist”)

Intersectional Identities

You and your partner are each complex people with various identities that impact how you interact with the world. Understanding how your partner sees themself and how it shapes their experience in the world is key to being able to provide empathy and support for them. Some examples of vectors of identity include gender, class, sexuality, race, ethnicity, ability, religious affiliation, nationality, immigration status, and age. If you notice that the idea of discussing these aspects of yours or your partner’s identities feels uncomfortable, it is likely that you have not had a lot of opportunities to explore these things in a caring and supportive environment. Through practice, you and your partner can get more comfortable talking directly about the identities that you and your partner share, those that differ, and the impact of these differences.

Some questions to consider:

What aspects of your identity feel most important or influential to you?
What are the aspects of identity where we have the most similarity or overlap? Where are our identities or lived experiences different?
Are there vectors of identity around which you have experienced discrimination or harm? If so, how can your partner best support you around these experiences?
What did you learn about identity in your family? (I.e., “our family doesn’t see color,” or, “It’s ok to be different but don’t shove it in our faces”)

Religion & Spirituality

For some couples, religion and spirituality are not an important part of their lives. For others, they play a big role in their identities. Either way, it’s important to have a conversation with your partner about the importance of religion and spirituality to them.

It is possible to have a healthy relationship and not share the same religious beliefs as your partner, as long as neither one of you attempts to sway your partner in a certain way that they are not comfortable with. If religion is important to you and not to your partner and this is often a source of conflict, it may be important to get clear on what feels important to you and why. This conversation may be most beneficial with the help of a professional if it often becomes escalated.

Questions to consider:

Was religion prominent in your household growing up?
What were some expectations of you because of your religious beliefs?
What aspects of your religion feel important to share with potential future children?
What aspects of religion were you not very fond of as a child and even now?
Do religion and spirituality play a big role in your relationship with one another? Would you like it to?
Do differences in these beliefs ever cause conflict?
Do you rely on religion or spirituality in times of stress or hardship?

Check out the next post in the series for suggestions on how to discuss finances, household division of labor, and stress. If you recognize that you and your partner could use help talking about these topics, don’t hesitate to schedule a consultation with one of our experienced couples therapists in Denver, Colorado today.