Quiz: Do We Really Need Premarital Counseling?

Deciding to get married is a hopeful and exciting decision. Preparing to get married, on the other hand, is often stressful, busy and expensive. Perhaps you’ve been thinking that premarital counseling would be a good idea, but are wondering whether you can really prioritize it with everything else on your plate.

Whether you are simply looking for reassurance or have strong concerns about your relationship, this quiz can help you understand how Premarital Counseling can benefit your relationship. You can answer these questions with your partner, or on your own.

1. I feel emotionally distant and disconnected from my partner.  T   F

2. There are several topics that feel difficult to talk about in our relationship without causing conflict.  T   F

3. When my partner and I have conflict it feels extremely difficult to resolve.  T   F

4. My partner and/or I have a hard time being vulnerable with one another and sharing our emotions.  T   F

5. It feels like my partner and I have fundamental differences in beliefs or values that cause conflict or disconnection.  T   F

6. I don’t feel like I can rely on my partner for support when I need it.  T   F

7. My partner and I had very different upbringings and it feels difficult to navigate our differing views on life. T   F

8. There are previous wounds in our relationship that feel hard to talk about and repair.  T   F

9. My partner and/or I have a hard time communicating our needs to one another.  T   F

10. We have differing views on marriage expectations and what our future will look like. T   F

How Did You Do?

To get your results, count each “True” answer as one point and add them up for a total score.

If you scored between 0-1 you and your partner can likely benefit from brief counseling to work out any bumps in your relationship. Counseling can help highlight key differences and similarities in your relationship so you have a greater awareness of them. Sometimes counseling can validate that you are doing well in your relationship and can support making small improvements.

If you scored between 2-5 there may be some more significant difficulties in your relationship that should be addressed before getting married. When it feels like there is a lot of disconnection or unresolved conflict in a relationship, it can lead to a build-up of resentment in the future. Premarital therapy can help you and your partner unravel and understand your conflict before it gets to the point of feeling extremely distant from one another. 

If you scored between 6-10 serious consideration about couples therapy might be in order. If it feels like you and your partner have major differences in beliefs and conflict feels next to impossible to resolve, that’s a good sign that you could benefit from taking a deeper look at your relationship. A trained professional can help you understand where you differ, where you have similarities, and where you might get stuck in a negative conflict pattern.

The bottom line is that premarital counseling can be beneficial for all couples getting ready to say “I do”. If nothing else, counseling before you tie the knot can help you and your partner feel more connected and on the same page about your future. 

What Are the Next Steps?

If you’re not quite ready to commit to therapy, it may be beneficial to have some conversations at home to help you feel more on the same page before you decide to start. You can find our recommendations for 9 conversations to have before getting married here.

You might be ready to get started with premarital counseling but have questions about finding or choosing a therapist that fits your needs and goals. Check out our 3 tips for finding a premarital therapist. If you have questions about CTC’s premarital counseling services, you can find more information on our specialty page.

The skilled therapists at Colorado Therapy Collective can help you have some of these conversations. Our Downtown Denver-based therapists specialize in connection and want to help ensure that you and your partner are supported in creating a fulfilling lifelong commitment. To get started you can schedule a complimentary consultation, call us at 720-204-8589, or fill out this form and one of our therapists will be in touch with you.

Three Tips for Choosing a Premarital Therapist

You and your partner have decided to do premarital counseling. Amazing! You’re about to make an investment that will pay dividends for your whole life by starting your marriage off on a solid foundation of open communication and tools for connection. But how do you choose a therapist? Here are three tips for choosing your guide in this critical and relationship-affirming process.

Tip 1: Do a consultation to see if they seem like a good fit.  

Most therapists will offer a free consultation so that you can get to know them and ask any questions that you may have. This is a great idea, and it may even make sense to set up a couple of these to get a sense of what your options are.

Some questions to ask the therapist:

What is your experience with premarital counseling?

Sometimes therapists list every specialty in the book but don’t necessarily specialize in anything. Couples therapy is a very specific skill set, and premarital counseling is an even more specific subset of couples therapy. Not every therapist has this specialty, so ask your therapist about their training and experience with this.

Do you work with our specific concern?

If you know that one of the issues that comes up in your relationship is arguments about alcohol use, for example, you should bring this up in a consultation and make sure the therapist is comfortable and experienced working with this issue. This can also be a chance to ask about other aspects of your situation that you want to make sure the therapist is comfortable and experienced with - for example, if you are a queer or interracial couple, it may be important to you that your therapist is versed in working with couples like you. 

What is your approach to premarital counseling?

Find out if the therapist has a specific approach or modality that they use in working with couples, and ask them to describe how it works. It’s a good idea to find a therapist that can help you work through specific topics like kids, finances, sex, and spirituality, but it’s important that they can also help you recognize your patterns and help you talk about deeper emotions.

At Colorado Therapy Collective we offer premarital counseling that uses two evidence-based modalities, Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and Prepare/Enrich. These approaches combined make sure that you cover all the important bases while also building an even deeper connection and skills for healthy communication.

Tip 2: You Get What You Pay For

Is setting the foundation for your relationship really the place that you want to be looking for bargain bin prices? Premarital counseling is generally not covered by insurance, because it doesn't come with a diagnosis. While I realize that wedding planning is expensive and it can be tempting to want to save in other areas, counseling is an investment in the longterm health of your relationship. So while you should be realistic about what your budget is, don't choose a therapist just because they're cheap!

Tip 3: Do a gut check

After your consultation, talk with your partner about whether you both feel comfortable with this therapist and like you can open up to them. A therapist can be highly regarded, but if you don't feel comfortable or like they're the right fit, listen to your gut!

Hopefully this article has helped you feel ready and empowered to find the right premarital counselor for your relationship. If you’re in Denver, Colorado, Colorado Therapy Collective has an awesome team of couples therapists with specialized training in working with dating and premarital couples, and we offer free consultations. You can call us at 720-204-8589, schedule a free consultation, or fill out this form and we’ll reach out to you!

9 Topics to Discuss Before Marriage (Part 3 of 3)

In the third and final post of this 3-part series on conversations to have with your partner before marriage, we tackle the following topics:

• Personality

• Sex

• Kids

Personality

There are many ways that your personality and your partner’s personality can differ, which sometimes leads to misunderstandings and miscommunications. A very common example is that one partner is more social or outgoing than the other - this often leads to one partner wanting to go out and spend time with other people more often or for longer periods than the other. While these differences can lead to conflict, having an understanding of who your partner is and what they like to do can create a foundation of expectations of your partner.

However, the most important piece is knowing how to communicate about these topics when they come up - if this feels particularly difficult and you find yourself in the same arguments over and over, it may be time to seek help.

It’s important that both you and your partner have an established sense of self, meaning you each have your own interests, but you also have activities that you like to do together. Consider some activities you might do alone, with friends, or with your partner. More often than not, at least one partner will feel they need alone time - this is the best time to engage in individual hobbies and interests.

Questions to consider:

• How often do you like to go out and socialize with others?

• How will you and your partner communicate if one of you wants to leave a social event and the other does not?

• How open are you to new experiences and change? Are you willing to try new things?

• What are some of your hobbies and interests that take up a lot of your free time?

• Do you find you have a hard time making decisions or do you usually have a good sense of what you want when given two options?

• Do you prefer structure and plans or do you find yourself “going with the flow” and are more spontaneous?

• Do you tend to keep things neat and organized or are not particularly concerned with tidiness?

• How easily do you trust others? Do you find that you are often skeptical of others and question their intentions?

• How difficult is it for you to cope with stressful situations?

Sex

In a long-term relationship, much like any other aspect of a relationship, sex needs to be talked about. It is not uncommon for individuals to expect their partners to know what they want without having to talk about it; however, this often leads to frustration and blame. No matter your beliefs on sex, it is important that you have a clear understanding of your partner's views and expectations of your physical relationship. 

Sex can get a little more complicated over time as the initial “spark” or lust for your partner decreases. When you live with someone and see them frequently, you’re less likely to have a sudden desire for sex or might have difficulty knowing how or when to initiate it. Physical intimacy sometimes becomes a topic that needs to be communicated more explicitly to make expectations very clear to your partner. It can be beneficial to talk about how often you’d both like to have sex and even the time of day that feels best for you. Oftentimes it’s helpful to explicitly communicate to your partner what sexual acts you like and which ones you don’t. Being clear about expectations and desires can help you both to feel a deeper sense of intimacy. 

If you and your partner are waiting until you are married to have sex, talk about the importance of that decision for both of you and how you arrived at that decision. Having a conversation on boundaries and what sexual acts are “off-limits” can also be beneficial and help you and your partner to feel more on the same page and have clear expectations of one another.

If you and your partner have differing beliefs on sex (when to have it, the significance of it, etc.), it might feel difficult to have a conversation about it without either of you getting escalated. Try to understand your partner’s perspective and where they might feel frustrated or upset about your differing views. The key is to get curious about your partner and their beliefs - if you have a hard time understanding them, ask questions to clarify. These conversations can be especially difficult if one or both of you feel uncomfortable talking about sex and the physical aspect of your relationship. If so, talk to your partner about what makes this uncomfortable to talk about. Just remember that if you haven’t communicated your perspective to your partner, they won’t know what feels important to you and why. Although they feel difficult, these conversations are worth having, as they create a deeper sense of connection with one another.

Questions to consider:

• Ideally, how often would you like to have sex?

• How comfortable are you with your current level of sexual activity?

• Is it difficult for you or your partner to initiate sex?

• How does it feel to talk about sex explicitly with one another?

• If it feels uncomfortable or weird, what makes it feel that way for you?

• What were your parent’s/family’s attitudes toward sex? Did you ever talk about it openly?

• How important is physical touch to you, even if it does not lead to sex?

• Are you satisfied with the amount of physical affection you get from your partner currently?

• What does sex mean to you?

• Are you and your partner on the same page with forms of birth control? How are each of you impacted by the form of birth control that you use?

Kids

There are many areas of a relationship in which a couple can agree to disagree, or have different goals and values and still find ways to meet each other’s needs. However, the question of whether or not you want to have children is one that typically is a good idea to have some degree of alignment on before making a lifelong commitment. Whether or not you decide to raise children together will significantly alter pretty much every aspect of how your life as a couple and a family looks. 

Questions to consider:

• What (if anything) appeals to you about having children?

• What (if anything) appeals to you about being child free?

• How do you imagine your life would change if you had a child (or children)

• What are the options you’ve considered for how to have a child? (I.e. pregnancy via sex, IVF, adoption, surrogacy, etc.)

• How do you feel about these various options?

• What are other ways that you might be involved in raising children other than having your own (i.e. playing a large role in friends’ or siblings’ children’s lives)

• How important is this to you?

• What aspects of the way you were parented would you want to bring to raising your own children?

• What aspects of the way you were parented would you not want to repeat with your own children?

Okay, now what?

The hope is that by having these conversations with your partner, you develop a better sense of how they view the world, themselves, and your relationship. You may have very different views on several topics or even just aspects of certain topics - that is okay. The goal is not to be the same person or agree on everything - the goal is to understand what experiences have led your partner to have the beliefs that they do. Keeping this in mind, it might still feel difficult to find common ground or feel like you’re on the same page. Know that you are two different people with separate life experiences - you won’t always be on the same page but if you have empathy for your partner and understand why they behave the way they do, it makes it easier to continue to have conversations about differences.

If these conversations felt extremely difficult to have without getting escalated or you just feel that you could use some extra support, we’re here to help! Our therapists specialize in creating connection between partners. If you’re interested in getting more information about our Premarital services, check out our specialty page. If you’d like to get in touch with us, you can schedule a complimentary 20-minute consultation with one of our therapists or schedule an initial session here.

9 Topics to Discuss with Your Partner Before Marriage (Part 2 of 3)

In this post we’ll discuss three more conversations to have with your partner before making a lifelong commitment:

• Finances

• Household chores

• Stress

When discussing what can be emotionally loaded conversations, keep in mind these tips for keeping conversation supportive and productive.

Key Tips for Productive Conversations:

• keep an emphasis on listening for understanding rather than agreement

• Take a break if you are getting into conflict

• Don’t hesitate to reach out a couples counselor if you are consistently getting stuck in these conversations

Finances

Finances are one of the main sources of conflict for many couples. When money is tight, stress is high, and stress often leads to heightened emotions which can make it very difficult to have a calm conversation. Not only can money be stressful, but many people have their own views on how to handle finances - this is especially tricky when you’re considering joining your funds with your partner. 

The way we handle finances is often related to our upbringing - how we saw our parents handle finances influences us to have the same or different beliefs. For example, someone who grew up with only the necessities (food, water, shelter, clothing, etc.) because their parents could not afford anything else might be very frugal and try to save as much money as possible - OR maybe they made it a personal goal to be successful in their career and make a lot of money so they didn’t have to live the same way as an adult. The impact of your family’s financial situation as a child could influence you in many ways - no matter what you have learned, it’s important to share these views with your partner.

Questions to consider:

• What was the attitude towards money in your house growing up?

• How did your parents handle finances? (Maybe you have no idea - that matters too!)

• What is your relationship like with money?

• Do you have more saving or spending tendencies?

• Do you plan to combine finances or keep them separate? Why does either of those feel important to you?

• What are things you tend to spend money on and why do they feel important to you? Does your partner agree?

• Do you have debt that your partner should know about?

It can be beneficial to consider a spending plan or to sit down with your partner and talk about spending habits each month. This can help you both feel on the same page with the amount of money you save and spend each month.

Household Chores

Chores and responsibilities around the house are another common topic that couples argue about. More often than not, what sparks the argument are the feelings that come up because of the chores and not the chores themselves. However, it is important to have a conversation with your partner about expectations of chores and tasks around the house. Much like finances, it helps to have an understanding of your partner’s view on roles and responsibilities around the house. These views often stem from family beliefs and values that your partner might have grown up with.

While it is important to talk about expectations and views on household tasks, it’s also important to know how to communicate clearly with your partner about the importance of completing a task. If there is a chore that is normally your responsibility to complete and something gets in the way of you being able to do the task, let your partner know. If you are feeling that you could use some help on a particular task, ask your partner. 

A lot of times completing chores or taking care of the house sends the message to your partner that you care about them and your life together. If your partner asks you to do a task repeatedly and you do not complete it, they might be left thinking, “Doesn’t my partner care about me?” This becomes more about the reliability of your partner, which can lead to a much larger discussion.

Questions to consider:

• Who did the chores in your family growing up?

• Were the chores split evenly? Did one parent do more chores or household tasks than the other?

• How did gender impact the division of labor in your household growing up? Were there jobs considered to be “men’s jobs” or “women’s jobs”?

• What are your expectations of getting chores done in your relationship?

• Do you tend to keep things clean and tidy or leave them messy at times?

• Do you prefer to have structure around the chores (i.e. the laundry gets done and the bathrooms get cleaned every Sunday)?

• Is your attitude toward household tasks and cleanliness impacted by identity or culture? For example, sometimes people who grew up with marginalized identities learn that they must be extra clean or tidy in order to be respected by the dominant culture.

Stress

It can be extremely beneficial for your partner to know what aspects of your life feel really stressful or what things cause the most stress for you. This helps your partner to know that if finances are particularly stressful for you, they can attempt to provide more support or comfort during difficult conversations about finances. It can be helpful to get clear on similar or differing opinions on the stressors in your lives. For reference, here are some common stressors in an individual’s everyday life: financial concerns, spending time with friends and family, work life, your partner, living arrangements, relationships with family, and emotion-related concerns.

Some people need some space or alone time when they’re feeling stressed and others feel more comforted by the emotional support of others. Try to understand if your partner has a tendency towards one or the other. It may be the case that what your partner needs varies depending on the situation - practice asking your partner if there’s anything you can do to help or support them when they are feeling stressed.

Questions to consider:

• What are 2-3 issues that cause stress very often (for you and your partner)?

• What are 2-3 issues that cause stress sometimes (for you and your partner)?

• What are 2-3 issues that rarely cause stress (for you and your partner)?

• What stressors do you and your partner have in common?

• What differences do you and your partner have when it comes to stressors?

• Do either you or your partner experience stress as a result of minority status? For example, the stress of systemic racism or anti-trans legislation

• In what ways would your partner feel supported if they were feeling stressed?

Reflection Time!

If you had these conversations with your partner, how did each of you feel about how they went? Did you notice fear or anxiety come up? If you didn’t have these conversations with a partner, what was holding you back? Remember that there is no shame in getting support to have difficult conversations. In time, an experienced couples or marriage counselor like those at CTC can help you develop confidence to have these conversations on your own. Schedule a complimentary consultation with one of our compassionate Colorado therapists today.

And don’t forget to check out the next post in the series, helping you talk with your partner about Personality, Sex, and Kids.