If you’ve ever been in a relationship, you know there are often conversations that are difficult to have - usually because you, your partner, or both of you get “triggered”. Maybe your partner says or does something that hits a button inside of you and all of a sudden you’re really angry. You feel like you’ve lost control of your ability to stay calm and listen to anything your partner is saying. This is not uncommon.
We all have histories and life experiences that have shaped us to be sensitive to certain topics or certain words. When your person, the person you want the most comfort from, pushes one of those buttons, it sends your nervous system into distress and there’s an immediate subconscious reaction to protect yourself emotionally. More often than not, these topics can hit the “I’m not good enough” or “I’m too much” button for you or your partner - your deepest insecurities are triggered over your partner asking you to do more chores around the house or telling you that you’re “overreacting”.
When these buttons get pushed, your nervous system ramps up - all of a sudden you’re in fight or flight mode without even recognizing it. You might notice your heart rate increase, your body gets hot, or even feel tension or tightness in your throat or chest - this is your body responding to a perceived threat. Although the situation is not physically dangerous, your mind has sent the signal to your body that you are not “safe” and you either need to fight the threat or retreat.
The “perceived threat” in this situation is that you and your partner are disconnected, you’re no longer on the same page and there is a chance this could lead to further conflict, and further disconnection. It feels like you could lose the sense of security with your person altogether. Your partner often acts as a shelter - a place you can return to when you feel that you need comfort. However, when that source of comfort becomes unavailable, your mind perceives this as a danger to your well-being. It might sound crazy that your mind and body make these connections and react in a matter of seconds, but research tells us that when our partner feels emotionally unavailable, our body’s alarm system goes off because our “safety” and “security” has been threatened.
What can we do differently during conflict?
Many couples think they just need to work on communication issues to be able to resolve conflict more effectively. In reality, what couples really need is to learn how to listen to one another, understand their emotional experience, and be able to validate each other’s concerns. Here are some things you can do during conflict to help ease your nervous system so you can hear your partner without turning to ineffective coping mechanisms.
1. Pause and take a few deep breaths
One of the most effective ways to communicate to your mind and body that you are safe and can turn the alarm system off is to take a few deep breaths. When our fight or flight system gets triggered, we are ready to deal with a perceived threat. At that moment, it’s important to signal to your body that you are not in physical danger. Take a deep inhale through your nose and exhale slowly through your mouth. Tell yourself that you are safe and not in immediate harm.
This strategy will help you stay in touch with your body and your emotions - which ultimately helps you have a clearer sense of what you’re feeling so that you can communicate that to your partner. If we are not in touch with our mind and body and we are feeling emotionally heightened, we become reactive and act without a second thought; this can cause hurt and pain to our partners. Taking a few deep breaths helps to bring the reasoning part of your brain back online.
2. Consider the feelings under the anger or frustration.
Anger is known as a “secondary” or “reactive” emotion, which means that we usually feel something beneath the anger but have a hard time expressing it. Usually beneath the anger is fear, sadness, or pain. It can feel scary and vulnerable to dive a little bit deeper and acknowledge that your partner has hurt you in some way. And it can feel even scarier to share that with your partner - maybe you’re not sure that they will be able to receive that information or you fear it will only make them get upset with you.
This is what we explore in Emotionally-Focused couples therapy - what makes it difficult to share these emotions with your partner? What makes it difficult for your partner to take in that information? Consider these questions as you are trying to make sense of your emotional experience and maybe even your partner’s.
3. Be mindful of your actions during conflict.
Our own emotions often cause us to behave in a way to defend or protect ourselves. That might look like yelling, getting defensive, using a certain tone, walking away from conflict, shutting down, etc. Try to become aware of what you do when you feel upset. Maybe you get so angry and feel like you just can’t handle the argument anymore so you walk away, retreat to the bedroom, and slam the door. What were some feelings that caused you to have that reaction?
4. Try empathizing with your partner.
How do you think you would feel if your partner displayed the same behavior that you were reacting to them with? This is not a way to make you feel guilty or shameful of your behavior, but rather a way to genuinely consider how you might feel if roles were reversed. If you can say something along the lines of, “If my partner left the conversation without saying anything and then slammed the door, I think I would feel hurt and alone like they didn’t care about me”, you are well on your way to being able to show your partner that you understand their experience. While you and your partner may not feel the same things in those moments, empathizing and checking in with your partner on their experience is a great way to get the conversation started.
**Disclaimer: If you feel genuinely unsafe sharing any of this information with your partner, it may be more beneficial to seek the help of a professional before trying any of these things on your own. In couples therapy, we create a sense of safety in the therapeutic space that allows us to dig into some of these vulnerabilities. If you have any fears about your physical safety with your partner, please speak to an individual therapist or contact the National Domestic Violence hotline
