I am re-reading author James Clear’s book, Atomic Habits. One of the key premises of Atomic Habits is that small changes, over time, lead to big results. Most of us will accept this premise on its face. And yet, even with this understanding, many of us fail to consistently implement the small changes that are necessary to get to the result that we want. There are many reasons for this, and if this piques your interest, I recommend checking out the book. But I want to focus on one reason, which is that often incremental change does not become visible until what Clear refers to as a “breakthrough moment.”
What is a breakthrough moment?
Imagine that you are sitting in a 25 degree room with an ice cube on the table in front of you. Slowly, the temperature in the room is raised, one degree at a time. You keep watching the ice cube, but degree increase after degree increase, you see no change in the ice cube. Six times, the temperature rises another degree, and six times there is no visible change. It isn’t until the temperature of the room hits 32 degrees that the ice cube begins to undergo a radical change - from solid to liquid! The moment that the ice cube begins to melt is the breakthrough moment when a major change is unleashed. Of course, this breakthrough moment was not solely the result of the final degree raise, but the cumulative impact of all the small temperature increases that came before.
So what does this have to do with couples therapy?
When couples come to us, they have often gotten stuck in a negative feedback loop in their relationship. They long for closeness, support, and understanding, but are caught in a cycle that delivers the opposite.
Our first step in stopping this cycle is to figure out how it functions - what are the moves that each partner tends to habitually make in this cycle, and what are the more vulnerable emotions, needs, and desires that lead to these moves? When we can understand that ultimately these (ineffective) moves are about wanting connection, we can begin to find new, more effective ways to reach.
The tasks of undoing a negative cycle become straightforward - 1. Each partner challenges themselves to (marginally) communicate more vulnerably, and 2. Each partner opens to receiving their partner's vulnerability with (marginally) more empathy and less skepticism or resistance.
Getting out of a Negative Cycle is Simple…But not Easy
However, just because these tasks may be relatively straightforward, that doesn’t mean that they are easy. As human beings we have a longing to connect, but we also each have an instinct to protect ourselves from hurt and disappointment. When you have been in a negative cycle with a partner for a while, it becomes natural to move into a more defensive, protected stance. This means that each time we try to be a little more vulnerable with our partner, or to try a new “move” in this dance, we have an opportunity to create a different and better relationship, but we also open ourselves up to potential disappointment and hurt. This can make it difficult to consistently implement these new “tasks” of reaching and receiving with increased vulnerability.
In our experience working with couples (and the data about the process of EFT couples therapy supports this), it is this stage that we spend the most time working with before we reach the “breakthrough moment” that couples are looking for - when the relationship starts to function with more ease, trust, and joy.
My experience with this stage of work is that it is easy for couples to become discouraged - they have come to therapy week after week, and they have been earnestly trying to notice the negative cycle when it starts to show up, to catch themselves in the action tendencies that contribute to making the cycle worse, and to tentatively begin to communicate with their partner more vulnerably. But they just aren’t experiencing the breakthrough moment that they were hoping for.
Here is the key thing I want these couples to know: This doesn’t mean that your hard work, time, and money is not working. It often just means that you haven’t hit the metaphorical melting point.
Don’t give up!
Learning to communicate effectively - with consistency, care, and vulnerability - is a skill that will serve you well throughout your life and relationships. Just because your partner doesn’t respond each time the way you hoped doesn’t mean that your efforts aren’t working or aren’t worthwhile. Try focusing less on whether it seems like your partner is doing enough, or whether your efforts are “fair” and more on doing your part to raise the temperature a degree at a time. Chances are, you and your partner are on the cusp of melting your relationship ice, so to speak.
