If you have any exposure to pop culture, or have been on a dating app in the past decade, chances are that you have heard of the Five Love Languages. You may even, with a little bit of prompting, be able to list them all. Perhaps you’ve taken the online quiz to find out your “primary love language.”
Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts, was first published in 1992. It has since been translated into 49 languages and sold over 20 million copies. It went from being popular primarily in Christian circles to becoming a pop culture phenomenon, including among many people who never read the book.
The Five Love Languages
According to Chapman, the five love languages are:
Physical Touch
Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Gifts
Acts of Service
I’ll be frank: as a therapist, I’ve always been slightly skeptical of the Five Love Languages. For one thing, it felt a bit simplistic to me. For another thing, a slight bit of digging and you discover that the love languages are not based on any research or evidence. They’re based on the observation of one pastor-counselor and his interpretation of what was going wrong between the couples who came to him. Despite having been published over 30 years ago, there is still no real research that backs up either the idea that there are five distinct love languages, or that knowing your partner’s love language impacts relationship quality.
Why Do People Like The Five Love Languages?
Having laid my cards on the table, it’s worth considering why so many people are drawn to the idea of Chapman’s love languages, evidence-based or not (not). I think there are some good reasons for this.
The Pros of The Five Love Languages
They Prompt Important Relationship Conversations
The basic premise that we resonate more with some ways of showing and receiving love is something that I think most people agree with. The love languages help provide a shorthand way to talk about what’s important to you in a relationship. And talking about what’s important to you and how you most feel loved in a relationship is an important conversation!
Non-Hierarchical and Accepting of Differences
Chapman doesn’t say that one love language is better than another - just that we need to learn what love language is most important to our partner, and try to “speak” that language to them. I think many people appreciate that in this framework, their love languages are seen as just as valid as other love languages. There is a built-in (if limited) appreciation of difference.
The Cons of The Five Love Languages
Besides the fact that the love languages are not based on actual research, in my work with couples I find that there are some pitfalls that can arise when couples (and especially distressed couples) focus too much on the idea of love languages.
They can reinforce ideas of difference
I have watched couples become quite convinced that their relationship can’t work because their love languages are “too different.” The evidence doesn’t bear out that a difference in love language is the root cause of disconnection in couples. However, if we become convinced of this narrative, it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy as it leads us to act in ways that create more disconnection.
Rigid Gender Roles and Heteronormativity
The actual 1992 book is full of examples of exclusively straight couples that fit neatly into gender stereotypes. The women in Chapman’s examples are homemakers appreciated for their ability to do housework, and are seemingly without sexual desire. Chapman also is on record expressing homophobic views, and generally does not seem to acknowledge the existence of LGBTQ+ people. Colorado Therapy Collective is a queer-affirming practice and we approach frameworks with caution that were not designed with queer people in mind.
There are better frameworks for understanding “The Secret to Love that Lasts”!
There is a robust body of research around adult attachment, and EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) has decades of research that supports its efficacy in helping adults create more secure connection. Hold Me Tight and Love Sense by Dr. Susan Johnson are both research-based books that I recommend to people who want to better understand themselves and their partner in relationships.
In conclusion, if you’ve found the idea of love languages helpful for you in your relationships, that’s great! If you’ve found that the framework has contributed to stuckness in your relationship, remember that there are lots of other ways (with proven track records) to look at relationships. And if you’re feeling like your marriage or relationship is stuck and self-help books aren’t cutting it, don’t forget that CTC has excellent Denver couples therapists available today that can help you get back on track.
Sources: https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/is_there_science_behind_the_five_love_languages, If Books Could Kill Podcast “The Five Love Languages.”
