In studying relationships, researchers have determined that emotional responsiveness is one of the most significant contributors to long-term relationship satisfaction and success. Humans want to feel seen, heard, and understood - this means feeling that we have support and comfort in times of emotional distress.
Think about a time that you’ve struggled mentally or emotionally. Then think about what felt or might have felt supportive at that moment. Oftentimes we think about having a “shoulder to cry on” or someone to “vent” to. Another person’s presence feels comforting and provides you with a sense of social support.
However, another aspect that we innately desire, specifically in romantic relationships, is emotional engagement. We want to know that our partners can attune to our emotions - that they can sense how we are feeling and have the to ability to comfort us. We don’t just want our partner to sit with us and let our words bounce off of them, we want to feel that they care about our distress and that comforting us is a priority to them.
Empathy and Validation: Keys to Emotional Engagement
So how can we show up and be attuned to our partner’s emotions? Empathy and Validation are fundamental skills for emotional engagement.
Empathy says “I totally understand why you feel that way.” When you empathize with somebody, you put yourself in their shoes - “How would I feel if ________ happened to me?”.
Empathy: “It sounds like it’s been a really tough day. I can imagine how you would be so exhausted and want to rest after the day you’ve had. I would feel the same way.”
Validation says “Your emotional experience makes sense - it’s valid.” When you validate somebody, you’re saying that their feelings are rational. You’re saying “Of course you feel that way! You’re feelings are normal given your situation”.
Validation: “It makes sense that you feel stressed out and overwhelmed. You’ve been really busy and had a lot on your plate.”
Both empathy and validation convey the message “You are not alone. Your experience is normal. I am with you and I understand.”
When you or your partner feel emotionally triggered, problem-solving or dismissiveness can often take the place of empathy or validation. So instead of telling your partner that their feelings make sense or you understand their feelings, you say “Well why don’t you just try _________” or “Well maybe you should have done _________ and you wouldn’t feel that way”. Phrases like these can send the message to your partner that you’re not emotionally engaged in their experience and aren’t interested in taking the time to connect with them.**
**(It is important to have clear communication about expectations in a conversation. There may be times when your partner is actually looking for advice or a solution instead of emotional support. More often than not, both emotional support and potential solutions can feel good. It can help to ask your partner at the beginning of a conversation - what do you need right now?)
Using these skills can be especially difficult when you and your partner are in conflict and your partner expressed how your actions have impacted them. It’s easy to default to protective behaviors like getting defensive or firing back at your partner (“I didn’t do that!”, “I only did that because you did ______”).
So How Do I Shift from Defensiveness to Empathy & Validation?
Although it can be painful and uncomfortable to acknowledge that your actions have hurt your partner, it’s important to engage emotionally in a conversation about the hurt. You may have to put your feelings aside briefly and come back to them later. Here are some ways to attune to your partner’s emotional experience when you are also feeling hurt or defensive:
Get Curious - Instead of getting defensive and becoming critical of your partner, ask questions. Try to understand your partner’s experience. Think about what feels confusing for you about their emotional reaction. After you have a better understanding, try to empathize - how would you feel in their shoes? If you attune to your partner and are able to understand why they feel the way they do, you will be able to provide comfort.
Take Accountability - Although you likely didn’t intend to hurt your partner, you did. The best way to repair is to acknowledge the way you have caused hurt. Even if it feels difficult to empathize with your partner, try to recognize how your actions impacted them. Let your partner know their feelings are valid, that it makes sense that they would be hurt by your actions.
Empathy and Validation in Action
Let’s Use an Example to Make This More Concrete:
Your partner got really upset that you raised your voice at them when you were arguing. You don’t think that you raised your voice, but after getting curious about your partner’s experience you learned that your partner is especially sensitive to changes in volume or tone. You would not be as impacted as your partner if somebody raised their voice at you, but you can see how your partner feels triggered by it.
You might choose to say something like “Wow, I didn’t realize how much this triggers you. I can understand how you would feel like you needed to withdraw after you noticed a change in my voice. I can imagine that might have felt scary for you, or like I wasn’t emotionally available to you in that moment. It makes sense that you would want to withdraw to protect yourself.”
In These Moments, You are Attuning to Your Partner’s Emotions and Changing Your Typical Pattern of Conflict.
Reflect with your partner on how that felt for them. Reflect on how it felt for you to show up in this way. Keep an open conversation about what went well and what can be improved for next time. Every human is different and support can look different for all of us - be open to feedback about your partner’s needs and be willing to give feedback to your partner without criticism.
Don’t Forget About Your Emotions!
Hopefully understanding your partner's experience has helped you process your own emotional experience a bit. Now ask your partner if they can do the same for you. Try to express what upset you in the recent conflict and ask your partner for the support that you need. Sometimes we have to put our emotions aside to get clarity but it’s important that you come back to them and know that you are just as worthy of support as your partner is.
Need Help?
Many times applying these skills can be really difficult, especially when it’s hard to calm your own nervous system so you can be present with your partner’s emotions. The therapists at Colorado Therapy Collective are experts in fostering connection and emotional engagement and are here to help you if you get stuck! For more information, reach out to us here or call 720-204-8589 and one of our therapists will get in touch with you about scheduling a complimentary 20-minute consultation to talk more about your goals in improving your relationship.
