In the third and final post of this 3-part series on conversations to have with your partner before marriage, we tackle the following topics:
Personality
Sex
Kids
Personality
There are many ways that your personality and your partner’s personality can differ, which sometimes leads to misunderstandings and miscommunications. A very common example is that one partner is more social or outgoing than the other - this often leads to one partner wanting to go out and spend time with other people more often or for longer periods than the other. While these differences can lead to conflict, having an understanding of who your partner is and what they like to do can create a foundation of expectations of your partner.
However, the most important piece is knowing how to communicate about these topics when they come up - if this feels particularly difficult and you find yourself in the same arguments over and over, it may be time to seek help.
It’s important that both you and your partner have an established sense of self, meaning you each have your own interests, but you also have activities that you like to do together. Consider some activities you might do alone, with friends, or with your partner. More often than not, at least one partner will feel they need alone time - this is the best time to engage in individual hobbies and interests.
Questions to consider:
How often do you like to go out and socialize with others?
How will you and your partner communicate if one of you wants to leave a social event and the other does not?
How open are you to new experiences and change? Are you willing to try new things?
What are some of your hobbies and interests that take up a lot of your free time?
Do you find you have a hard time making decisions or do you usually have a good sense of what you want when given two options?
Do you prefer structure and plans or do you find yourself “going with the flow” and are more spontaneous?
Do you tend to keep things neat and organized or are not particularly concerned with tidiness?
How easily do you trust others? Do you find that you are often skeptical of others and question their intentions?
How difficult is it for you to cope with stressful situations?
Sex
In a long-term relationship, much like any other aspect of a relationship, sex needs to be talked about. It is not uncommon for individuals to expect their partners to know what they want without having to talk about it; however, this often leads to frustration and blame. No matter your beliefs on sex, it is important that you have a clear understanding of your partner's views and expectations of your physical relationship.
Sex can get a little more complicated over time as the initial “spark” or lust for your partner decreases. When you live with someone and see them frequently, you’re less likely to have a sudden desire for sex or might have difficulty knowing how or when to initiate it. Physical intimacy sometimes becomes a topic that needs to be communicated more explicitly to make expectations very clear to your partner. It can be beneficial to talk about how often you’d both like to have sex and even the time of day that feels best for you. Oftentimes it’s helpful to explicitly communicate to your partner what sexual acts you like and which ones you don’t. Being clear about expectations and desires can help you both to feel a deeper sense of intimacy.
If you and your partner are waiting until you are married to have sex, talk about the importance of that decision for both of you and how you arrived at that decision. Having a conversation on boundaries and what sexual acts are “off-limits” can also be beneficial and help you and your partner to feel more on the same page and have clear expectations of one another.
If you and your partner have differing beliefs on sex (when to have it, the significance of it, etc.), it might feel difficult to have a conversation about it without either of you getting escalated. Try to understand your partner’s perspective and where they might feel frustrated or upset about your differing views. The key is to get curious about your partner and their beliefs - if you have a hard time understanding them, ask questions to clarify. These conversations can be especially difficult if one or both of you feel uncomfortable talking about sex and the physical aspect of your relationship. If so, talk to your partner about what makes this uncomfortable to talk about. Just remember that if you haven’t communicated your perspective to your partner, they won’t know what feels important to you and why. Although they feel difficult, these conversations are worth having, as they create a deeper sense of connection with one another.
Questions to consider:
Ideally, how often would you like to have sex?
How comfortable are you with your current level of sexual activity?
Is it difficult for you or your partner to initiate sex?
How does it feel to talk about sex explicitly with one another?
If it feels uncomfortable or weird, what makes it feel that way for you?
What were your parent’s/family’s attitudes toward sex? Did you ever talk about it openly?
How important is physical touch to you, even if it does not lead to sex?
Are you satisfied with the amount of physical affection you get from your partner currently?
What does sex mean to you?
Are you and your partner on the same page with forms of birth control? How are each of you impacted by the form of birth control that you use?
Kids
There are many areas of a relationship in which a couple can agree to disagree, or have different goals and values and still find ways to meet each other’s needs. However, the question of whether or not you want to have children is one that typically is a good idea to have some degree of alignment on before making a lifelong commitment. Whether or not you decide to raise children together will significantly alter pretty much every aspect of how your life as a couple and a family looks.
Questions to consider:
What (if anything) appeals to you about having children?
What (if anything) appeals to you about being child free?
How do you imagine your life would change if you had a child (or children)
What are the options you’ve considered for how to have a child? (I.e. pregnancy via sex, IVF, adoption, surrogacy, etc.)
How do you feel about these various options?
What are other ways that you might be involved in raising children other than having your own (i.e. playing a large role in friends’ or siblings’ children’s lives)
How important is this to you?
What aspects of the way you were parented would you want to bring to raising your own children?
What aspects of the way you were parented would you not want to repeat with your own children?
Okay, now what?
The hope is that by having these conversations with your partner, you develop a better sense of how they view the world, themselves, and your relationship. You may have very different views on several topics or even just aspects of certain topics - that is okay. The goal is not to be the same person or agree on everything - the goal is to understand what experiences have led your partner to have the beliefs that they do. Keeping this in mind, it might still feel difficult to find common ground or feel like you’re on the same page. Know that you are two different people with separate life experiences - you won’t always be on the same page but if you have empathy for your partner and understand why they behave the way they do, it makes it easier to continue to have conversations about differences.
If these conversations felt extremely difficult to have without getting escalated or you just feel that you could use some extra support, we’re here to help! Our therapists specialize in creating connection between partners. If you’re interested in getting more information about our Premarital services, check out our specialty page. If you’d like to get in touch with us, you can schedule a complimentary 20-minute consultation with one of our therapists or schedule an initial session here.
