Relationships can be tricky. We’d like to know the perfect recipe and key ingredients so we know our relationship is “on track” or that we’re setting ourselves up for long-term success. The last thing anyone hopes for is to file for divorce after feeling like they’ve been trying to improve their relationship. Although there is no magic formula, researcher Sue Johnson determined that emotional responsiveness plays a big role in both long-term relationship satisfaction and success. As humans, we want to know that our partners are there for us and that we can rely on them when we need them.
Although on it’s face it may seem that being a bit disengaged from your partner is no big deal (and of course, none of us are perfectly emotionally responsive all the time), a pattern characterized by a lack of emotional responsiveness can trigger our panic response, or “fight or flight mode”. The fear of isolation or loss of connection of your close person can make you feel like you’re fighting for your life. This need for secure connection is wired in our biology - after all, our ancestors were not likely to survive if they weren't in sync and connected with their closest people.
While in modern times it may not be true that our partner paying more attention to their phone than to us is going to lead to us being eaten by a saber tooth tiger, our attachment system still registers this type of behavior as a threat. And over time, this type of behavior can threaten a relationship. However, the opposite is also true: the more that we pay attention to being emotionally responsive to our partner, the more we help soothe their attachment system, and strengthen our bond. Then, in moments when we can’t be perfectly emotionally responsive, we already have a solid foundation of secure connection so that these moments aren’t such a big deal.
A.R.E.: Research-Based Keys to a Healthy and Relationship
Based on her research, Dr. Johnson created an acronym to spell out what it means to be emotionally responsive in your relationship: A.R.E., or Accessibile, Responsive, and Engaged.
(A)ccessible
Does your partner feel accessible to you? Can you reach for them?
We want to know that we can rely on our partner for help and support when we need them, which is why being able to reach for them is so important. Sometimes when couples get stuck it’s because they feel they are trying to reach for their partner, but it’s not working, or they feel that they can’t reach for their partner - it feels too scary and vulnerable to say Hey, I need you right now. Are you here for me?
When it feels too scary to reach out, your partner might shut down and pull away from you, avoiding the reach altogether. Or your partner might pursue you and their actions convey Hey! Pay attention to me! Both of these behaviors are ways of asking Are you there for me? Are you accessible? If I needed you, would I have your full attention?
We want to feel important to our partners and we want to feel like they care about us - so much that they would stop what they were doing and give us their full undivided attention if we asked for it. If your partner does not feel accessible to you, it makes it more difficult for you to feel like you can be vulnerable with them and ask for emotional support.
(R)esponsive
Can you rely on your partner if you need them? Will they provide emotional support if you ask for it?
When we approach someone with vulnerabilities or strong emotions, we want to feel that we can trust them to provide comfort and understanding. It’s important to trust that your partner can tune in to your emotions - if you are feeling upset and had a bad day, you would want to know that your partner was there to comfort you and empathize with those feelings. You would also want to know that if you had a good day or had something to celebrate, your partner would celebrate with you. We want to know that our emotional experience matters to our partner and that they are invested in sharing our life experiences.
The responsiveness of a partner helps us feel like we’re not alone. A partner’s soothing can make us feel like we’re safe, taken care of, and can contribute to calming our own nervous system when it’s triggered. When you reach for your partner and ask Are you here for me? The hope is that their answer is Yes, absolutely I’m here for you.
(E)ngaged
Is your partner emotionally present? Does your partner share their emotions with you?
When you think of being “engaged” in an activity or in the present moment, what comes to mind? Being engaged is being fully captivated or involved in your partner’s experience and staying with them. Emotional engagement helps your partner know that you value them and want to or will stay close to them in these moments of vulnerability. This kind of engagement is often only given to very close loved ones - we spend more time paying attention to them, both physically and emotionally, than other people in our lives.
If these questions feel difficult to answer, take the A.R.E. quiz to see where your relationship falls on the A.R.E. scale.
