Navigating PCS Transitions: Thriving in Military Relationships

For military couples, the term PCS (Permanent Change of Station) isn't just an acronym; it's a marker of a significant life transition. It's a phrase that carries with it a whirlwind of emotions - anticipation, excitement, but often, anxiety. Alongside the death of a loved one, divorce or separation, long-term illness, and job loss, moving is among the 5 most stressful life events. As a therapist specializing in couples counseling and also a military spouse myself, I recognize the unique challenges that PCS transitions pose to relationships. Let's delve into this topic, exploring the common stressors that military couples face during these times and how to navigate them successfully.

An empty moving truck

The military lifestyle is inherently nomadic, and with that comes a multitude of changes that can strain even the strongest of bonds. Whether you're a seasoned military couple or just beginning your journey together, the prospect of packing up your life, saying goodbye to loved ones, and starting afresh in a new location can be daunting. It's not just about the physical logistics of moving; it's about the emotional toll it takes on both partners. One of the most significant challenges of a PCS is the uncertainty that accompanies it. From the timing of orders to the destination itself, military couples often find themselves riddled with stress, making it difficult to plan and prepare effectively. As partners struggle to navigate the unknown together, it’s understandable that this uncertainty can breed anxiety and tension within the relationship.

Another common stressor during a PCS is the sheer volume of tasks that need to be completed before the move. From organizing movers, sorting through belongings, securing housing in the new location, military couples are often overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of the to-do list. In the midst of this chaos, it's easy for communication to break down, leading to misunderstandings and conflict between partners. So, how can you and your partner navigate these challenges and emerge stronger on the other side? The key lies in communication, support, and resilience. Here are a few strategies to help you weather the storm together:

Open Communication 

This may seem straightforward, but it's not necessarily effortless. Consider the following recommendations on what this might look like, in this setting. Set aside time to sit down with your partner and openly talk about your fears, hopes, and expectations regarding the move. If you feel hesitant about doing this, remember that emotions are neither right nor wrong—they simply exist. Therefore, they don't need fixing. Although it's natural to want to avoid uncomfortable situations, such as discussing fears, hopes, and expectations, avoiding these discussions limits your readiness and the chance to collaborate effectively with your partner. Be truthful about your concerns and listen empathetically to your partner's viewpoint. By keeping communication lines open, you can tackle challenges together as a team.

Here are some useful ways to approach these discussions:

• It's common for discussions like these to be sidelined by the urgent PCS to-do list, but they are just as, if not more, important than simply checking off tasks. Set aside a dedicated time and place specifically for discussing this topic. By doing so, you create space to acknowledge and validate the very real feelings and experiences that come with this transition. This approach allows each of you to feel less isolated in the process.

• Minimize or eliminate outside distractions during the discussion. Giving each other undivided attention will contribute to the much-needed emotional reassurance during potentially challenging conversations.

• Share your thoughts and feelings by saying things like, “When I think about this move, I notice I feel [scared, excited, hopeful, confused, overwhelmed, frustrated, etc.], and I need [to feel heard, clarity, comfort, reassurance, understanding, etc.].”

• Listen with the intention of understanding, rather than immediately formulating a response. It's natural to have a reaction to what your partner shares, but be aware of how that reaction affects your response and whether it hinders conveying to your partner that you truly heard them. It can be beneficial to acknowledge their feelings by saying things like, "I hear you... I may not feel the same way at the moment, but I know what it feels like to feel overwhelmed. How can I support you?... I would feel scared in that situation, too... I'm not thrilled about this either... I'm also looking forward to creating a bucket list for our new area...etc."

Support Each Other 

Remember, you're in this together. Provide emotional support and reassurance to each other during moments of doubt or stress. Rely on each other for strength and encouragement as you navigate the highs and lows of the PCS process. It's common for spouses and service members to have different experiences of the PCS process, as they are exposed to different aspects and information of military life. As a spouse, it's normal to feel confused and uncertain about what questions to ask; sometimes you don’t even know what you don’t know. Therefore, it's crucial for the service member to be clear and forthcoming about timeline information regarding orders and aspects of the to-do list that only they can handle. By understanding each other's roles, you can better identify each other's needs during this transition and discuss how to support one another. For example: 

• If the logistical aspects of the PCS process feel overwhelming, prioritizing tasks, assigning responsibilities, and deciding who will handle each task can reduce stress and prevent misunderstandings and conflicts. 

• Schedule a weekly check-in to update each other on progress with the to-do list. This will help keep things on track and allow for adjustments if unexpected factors arise. 

• If concerns arise about losing your social or familial support system, communicate with your spouse about what it would look like for them to provide you with temporary additional support while you establish a new support network. 

Create Rituals of Connection 

Amidst the chaos of packing and planning, it's important to prioritize your relationship, although admittedly easier said than done. One practical way to do this is by dedicating time each day to connect with your partner, whether it's sharing a meal, going for a walk, or simply having a conversation. These moments of connection can strengthen your bond and offer a much-needed break from the stresses of the move.

During the "hurry up and wait" phase of a PCS, these rituals of connection become even more crucial. They provide a sense of security and reliability when everything else in your life may feel out of control. Military couples often experience anxiety during transitions like this due to the many unknowns involved, and it's important to foster certainty in the relationship during such times. The frequency of the chosen rituals can vary, as long as both partners are in agreement as to when to expect them to happen. 

Regardless of the ritual you choose, here's a tip to consider as you connect with your partner during these moments: Emotionally Focused Therapy introduces an important acronym that can assist couples in incorporating connection into their rituals. A.R.E. stands for accessible, responsive, and engaged. Essentially, to feel securely attached to our partner, we want to know: "Are you there for me? If I reach out to you, will you respond? And if you do, will I matter? Will you see and understand where I am?" To ensure emotional intimacy during your rituals of connection be sure to convey these messages through your actions.

Seek Professional Help 

Unfortunately, during stressful times or crises, unresolved issues in a relationship often come to the surface, and adding the stress of a move to those can feel even more overwhelming. If you find yourselves struggling to cope with the challenges of a PCS, don't hesitate to seek support from a couples therapist. Whether it's to address lingering hurts that are affecting your daily interactions or to have a safe space to navigate and find compromises on PCS-related disagreements, a trained professional can provide you with the tools and strategies necessary to navigate this transition successfully and emerge with a stronger, more resilient relationship.

In conclusion, navigating a PCS as a military couple is no easy feat, but it's not impossible either. By prioritizing communication, support, and resilience, you and your partner can overcome the challenges of this transition and emerge stronger than ever before. Remember, you're not alone in this journey - reach out for help when you need it, whether connecting with loved ones, seeking professional help, and/or using resources like Military One Source and your command Ombudsman. Lastly, remember to lean on each other for support; together, you can thrive in the face of change and build a relationship that can withstand any challenge that comes your way. 

We know military couples.

At Colorado Therapy Collective, our therapists believe in providing support at any stage of a move. We aim to help couples understand what drives their conflict and disconnect, and find their way back to each other as they navigate various life stressors. We have therapists with specific expertise in working with military couples. To speak to one of our therapists for more information, you can contact us at 720-204-8589 or submit a form here. We also offer a complimentary 20-minute consultation with one of our therapists so you can make sure our services fit your needs. Click here to schedule a consultation or initial session today!

How to Validate Your Partner's Emotions (Instead of Getting Defensive)

In studying relationships, researchers have determined that emotional responsiveness is one of the most significant contributors to long-term relationship satisfaction and success. Humans want to feel seen, heard, and understood - this means feeling that we have support and comfort in times of emotional distress. 

Think about a time that you’ve struggled mentally or emotionally. Then think about what felt or might have felt supportive at that moment. Oftentimes we think about having a “shoulder to cry on” or someone to “vent” to. Another person’s presence feels comforting and provides you with a sense of social support.

However, another aspect that we innately desire, specifically in romantic relationships, is emotional engagement. We want to know that our partners can attune to our emotions - that they can sense how we are feeling and have the to ability to comfort us. We don’t just want our partner to sit with us and let our words bounce off of them, we want to feel that they care about our distress and that comforting us is a priority to them. 

Empathy and Validation: Keys to Emotional Engagement

So how can we show up and be attuned to our partner’s emotions? Empathy and Validation are fundamental skills for emotional engagement.

Empathy says “I totally understand why you feel that way.” When you empathize with somebody, you put yourself in their shoes - “How would I feel if ________ happened to me?”. 

Empathy: “It sounds like it’s been a really tough day. I can imagine how you would be so exhausted and want to rest after the day you’ve had. I would feel the same way.”

Validation says “Your emotional experience makes sense - it’s valid.” When you validate somebody, you’re saying that their feelings are rational. You’re saying “Of course you feel that way! You’re feelings are normal given your situation”.

Validation: “It makes sense that you feel stressed out and overwhelmed. You’ve been really busy and had a lot on your plate.”

Both empathy and validation convey the message “You are not alone. Your experience is normal. I am with you and I understand.” 

When you or your partner feel emotionally triggered, problem-solving or dismissiveness can often take the place of empathy or validation. So instead of telling your partner that their feelings make sense or you understand their feelings, you say “Well why don’t you just try _________” or “Well maybe you should have done _________ and you wouldn’t feel that way”. Phrases like these can send the message to your partner that you’re not emotionally engaged in their experience and aren’t interested in taking the time to connect with them.**

**(It is important to have clear communication about expectations in a conversation. There may be times when your partner is actually looking for advice or a solution instead of emotional support. More often than not, both emotional support and potential solutions can feel good. It can help to ask your partner at the beginning of a conversation - what do you need right now?)

Using these skills can be especially difficult when you and your partner are in conflict and your partner expressed how your actions have impacted them. It’s easy to default to protective behaviors like getting defensive or firing back at your partner (“I didn’t do that!”, “I only did that because you did ______”). 

So How Do I Shift from Defensiveness to Empathy & Validation?

Although it can be painful and uncomfortable to acknowledge that your actions have hurt your partner, it’s important to engage emotionally in a conversation about the hurt. You may have to put your feelings aside briefly and come back to them later. Here are some ways to attune to your partner’s emotional experience when you are also feeling hurt or defensive:

Get Curious - Instead of getting defensive and becoming critical of your partner, ask questions. Try to understand your partner’s experience. Think about what feels confusing for you about their emotional reaction. After you have a better understanding, try to empathize - how would you feel in their shoes? If you attune to your partner and are able to understand why they feel the way they do, you will be able to provide comfort. 

Take Accountability - Although you likely didn’t intend to hurt your partner, you did. The best way to repair is to acknowledge the way you have caused hurt. Even if it feels difficult to empathize with your partner, try to recognize how your actions impacted them. Let your partner know their feelings are valid, that it makes sense that they would be hurt by your actions. 

Empathy and Validation in Action

Let’s Use an Example to Make This More Concrete:

Your partner got really upset that you raised your voice at them when you were arguing. You don’t think that you raised your voice, but after getting curious about your partner’s experience you learned that your partner is especially sensitive to changes in volume or tone. You would not be as impacted as your partner if somebody raised their voice at you, but you can see how your partner feels triggered by it.

You might choose to say something like “Wow, I didn’t realize how much this triggers you. I can understand how you would feel like you needed to withdraw after you noticed a change in my voice. I can imagine that might have felt scary for you, or like I wasn’t emotionally available to you in that moment. It makes sense that you would want to withdraw to protect yourself.”

In These Moments, You are Attuning to Your Partner’s Emotions and Changing Your Typical Pattern of Conflict.

Reflect with your partner on how that felt for them. Reflect on how it felt for you to show up in this way. Keep an open conversation about what went well and what can be improved for next time. Every human is different and support can look different for all of us - be open to feedback about your partner’s needs and be willing to give feedback to your partner without criticism. 

Don’t Forget About Your Emotions!

Hopefully understanding your partner's experience has helped you process your own emotional experience a bit. Now ask your partner if they can do the same for you. Try to express what upset you in the recent conflict and ask your partner for the support that you need. Sometimes we have to put our emotions aside to get clarity but it’s important that you come back to them and know that you are just as worthy of support as your partner is. 

Need Help?

Many times applying these skills can be really difficult, especially when it’s hard to calm your own nervous system so you can be present with your partner’s emotions. The therapists at Colorado Therapy Collective are experts in fostering connection and emotional engagement and are here to help you if you get stuck! For more information, reach out to us here or call 720-204-8589 and one of our therapists will get in touch with you about scheduling a complimentary 20-minute consultation to talk more about your goals in improving your relationship.

Understanding Where You & Your Partner Get Stuck in Conflict

When couples struggle with conflict resolution or communication issues, they tend to find themselves getting “stuck” - the conversation doesn’t go anywhere and the same things get said over and over again. It’s not uncommon for couples to find themselves here. Usually, couples get stuck because each partner has learned to cope with emotions or stress in a way that unintentionally exacerbates conflict.

The conflict pattern with your partner likely repeats no matter the topic. You might find yourselves talking about plans for the weekend, chores, or family, and the conversation escalates in a similar way each time. 

The solution to getting unstuck isn’t simply learning each other's love languages or communicating more clearly - the solution is changing the pattern when conflict arises. This can be difficult for couples without intervention by a professional, but even just having an awareness of your pattern can help create change.

How to Identify Your Negative Cycle 

There are multiple parts to every couple’s negative conflict cycle:

• the “alarm bell”

• Primary emotions

• Reactive emotions

• The story you tell yourself

• How you cope

These parts of a negative cycle are often hard to identify in the moment, but if you take a step back, you might be able to see each part more clearly. 

Picture a figure 8 - the “alarm bell” is the center - the trigger that sends you or your partner into the cycle. When you or your partner react to the trigger, you feel “reactive” emotions and then tell yourself a story about yourself, your partner, and your relationship. After internalizing this story, you react with certain behaviors to cope with the feelings, triggering your partner’s own side of the cycle. This pattern continues until one or both of you do something to change it. 

Let’s Take a Deeper Look at the Parts of a Cycle

Alarm bell

The “alarm bell” or the trigger is what sends you and your partner into your cycle - it can look different for both of you. Maybe a trigger for you is when your partner feels distant and inaccessible - you’ve had a rough day at work and you want your partner to take an interest in your low mood. Instead, your partner only seems concerned with what is on their phone.

In the moment, you are looking for connection, closeness, and a sense of emotional safety with your partner and it doesn’t feel available. This can trigger fear - thoughts of “I need you right now, where are you? Do you care that I am upset?”. However, we have a hard time understanding and expressing that fear the moment we feel it. Instead, the fear triggers our “fight or flight” response. Our mind and body read the situation as being dangerous which triggers primary and then reactive emotions

Primary Emotions

Primary emotions are the initial emotions we feel when we encounter a trigger, and they include sadness, fear, surprise, joy, disgust, and sometimes anger. Typically when our “alarm bell” goes off in relation to a loved one, the primary emotion triggered is either fear or hurt / sadness. This person matters to us, so when we sense a threat to the relationship, we become scared or sad. As we will explore more in the section about changing the negative cycle, learning to recognize and communicate primary emotions is key to interrupting a negative cycle. However, often primary emotions can be replaced so quickly by reactive emotions, that we hardly recognize they are there.

Reactive Emotions

Reactive emotions are the feelings that tend to cover up the hurt or fear that was triggered by the “alarm bell”. Primary emotions like hurt and sadness are vulnerable, and when we are caught in conflict, even with someone we love, it is a natural reaction to want to protect ourself. Some reactive emotions are anger, frustration, resentment, anxiety, helplessness, or hopelessness. These emotions are the reaction to the thought “Do you care that I’m upset?”. It’s likely that anger, frustration, resentment, etc. take over and they are the emotions that get expressed to your partner. 

The Story

Reactive emotions are often fueled by the story that you tell yourself. When you’re caught in a negative cycle, what thoughts do you have about yourself, your partner, and your relationship? You might have thoughts like:

“My emotional experience doesn’t matter.”

“I have too many emotions.”

“I am unworthy of love.”

“My partner doesn’t care about me or my emotions.”

“My partner is never there for me.”

“My partner doesn’t think I can do anything right.”

“Our relationship is bound to fail.”

“This is what always happens in our relationship.”

“If our relationship is always going to be like this, maybe we should break up.”

We all enter relationships with a narrative about ourselves and about others. The stories we tell ourselves usually come from previous relationships with a significant other, our relationship with our parents, and even what we believe society says about us and our identities.

How You Cope

Lastly, we try to cope - which is usually the protective, reactive, or defensive behavior that our partner sees. This could look like passive aggression, verbal insults, raised voices, using a certain tone of voice, reaching for your partner, and even withdrawing from your partner. These behaviors are used to protect or defend ourselves from the hurt we feel from our partners.

If you are searching for your partner’s support but they feel inaccessible, you might try to reach for them by making sarcastic comments about them “always being on their phone”. It could continue to escalate and eventually, you find yourself yelling at your partner about how they never do the chores you’ve asked them to do because they’re too busy on their phone.

The way you behave when you’re trying to cope with your emotions often triggers your partner’s own side of the cycle. And because both of your deeper, primary emotions (pain, hurt, fear) are going unacknowledged and unexpressed, the conflict continues to escalate and often goes unresolved when one or both of you decide to pull away.

So How Do We Change this Cycle?

The cycle can be difficult to identify and change. You and your partner may have years of experience with this cycle and it has become the only way you know how to handle conflict. Know that this will not change overnight - it takes awareness and practice. 

Sit down with your partner and try to identify each of your parts in the cycle. Some important things to consider are:

• What does my partner do that makes me feel they are emotionally unavailable? (When does the alarm bell go off for me?)

• When my alarm bell goes off, I feel _________.

• The story I tell myself is ____________.

• When I feel ________ and I’ve told myself __________, I cope by __________.

• I cope this way because my partner's emotional availability is so important to me.

• When I behave by _________ it triggers my partner to feel ________.

Once you have an idea of the cycle, try to become aware of it when it happens in the moment. Call attention to it when you know it’s happening and attempt to try something different: take a step back, take a deep breath, and notice what is happening for you emotionally. See if you can notice the primary emotion like fear or sadness that is being triggered, and share this with your partner. Remember that the reason we feel scared or sad in a negative cycle is because our partner and the relationship matter to us. When you can step out of reactive emotions and sharing your stories, and speak directly about your more vulnerable emotional experience, it helps both you and your partner to get out of “fight or flight,” and sends a signal to your partner that you are looking for closeness, not attacking.

If this feels impossible in your relationship, a professional can help you in identifying your cycle and creating change. Our therapists at Colorado Therapy Collective specialize in understanding negative conflict patterns and helping couples find emotional security with one another. If you’re interested in our services, reach out to one of our therapists today for more information! We offer a complimentary 20-minute consultation for you and your partner to learn more about our services and make sure you find a therapist that feels like a good fit for you. Click here to schedule a consultation or initial session today!

Are The Five Love Languages Real?: A Couples Therapist’s Take on The Popular Book

If you have any exposure to pop culture, or have been on a dating app in the past decade, chances are that you have heard of the Five Love Languages. You may even, with a little bit of prompting, be able to list them all. Perhaps you’ve taken the online quiz to find out your “primary love language.” 

Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts, was first published in 1992. It has since been translated into 49 languages and sold over 20 million copies. It went from being popular primarily in Christian circles to becoming a pop culture phenomenon, including among many people who never read the book. 

The Five Love Languages

According to Chapman, the five love languages are:

• Physical Touch

• Words of Affirmation

• Quality Time

• Gifts

• Acts of Service

I’ll be frank: as a therapist, I’ve always been slightly skeptical of the Five Love Languages. For one thing, it felt a bit simplistic to me. For another thing, a slight bit of digging and you discover that the love languages are not based on any research or evidence. They’re based on the observation of one pastor-counselor and his interpretation of what was going wrong between the couples who came to him. Despite having been published over 30 years ago, there is still no real research that backs up either the idea that there are five distinct love languages, or that knowing your partner’s love language impacts relationship quality. 

Why Do People Like The Five Love Languages?

Having laid my cards on the table, it’s worth considering why so many people are drawn to the idea of Chapman’s love languages, evidence-based or not (not). I think there are some good reasons for this. 

The Pros of The Five Love Languages

• They Prompt Important Relationship Conversations

  The basic premise that we resonate more with some ways of showing and receiving love is something that I think most people agree with. The love languages help provide a shorthand way to talk about what’s important to you in a relationship. And talking about what’s important to you and how you most feel loved in a relationship is an important conversation!

• Non-Hierarchical and Accepting of Differences

  Chapman doesn’t say that one love language is better than another - just that we need to learn what love language is most important to our partner, and try to “speak” that language to them. I think many people appreciate that in this framework, their love languages are seen as just as valid as other love languages. There is a built-in (if limited) appreciation of difference. 

The Cons of The Five Love Languages

Besides the fact that the love languages are not based on actual research, in my work with couples I find that there are some pitfalls that can arise when couples (and especially distressed couples) focus too much on the idea of love languages.

• They can reinforce ideas of difference

I have watched couples become quite convinced that their relationship can’t work because their love languages are “too different.” The evidence doesn’t bear out that a difference in love language is the root cause of disconnection in couples. However, if we become convinced of this narrative, it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy as it leads us to act in ways that create more disconnection.

• Rigid Gender Roles and Heteronormativity

The actual 1992 book is full of examples of exclusively straight couples that fit neatly into gender stereotypes. The women in Chapman’s examples are homemakers appreciated for their ability to do housework, and are seemingly without sexual desire. Chapman also is on record expressing homophobic views, and generally does not seem to acknowledge the existence of LGBTQ+ people. Colorado Therapy Collective is a queer-affirming practice and we approach frameworks with caution that were not designed with queer people in mind.  

• There are better frameworks for understanding “The Secret to Love that Lasts”!

There is a robust body of research around adult attachment, and EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) has decades of research that supports its efficacy in helping adults create more secure connection. Hold Me Tight and Love Sense by Dr. Susan Johnson are both research-based books that I recommend to people who want to better understand themselves and their partner in relationships. 

In conclusion, if you’ve found the idea of love languages helpful for you in your relationships, that’s great! If you’ve found that the framework has contributed to stuckness in your relationship, remember that there are lots of other ways (with proven track records) to look at relationships. And if you’re feeling like your marriage or relationship is stuck and self-help books aren’t cutting it, don’t forget that CTC has excellent Denver couples therapists available today that can help you get back on track. 

Sources: https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/is_there_science_behind_the_five_love_languages, If Books Could Kill Podcast “The Five Love Languages.”

4 Strategies for De-Escalating Conflict with Your Partner

If you’ve ever been in a relationship, you know there are often conversations that are difficult to have - usually because you, your partner, or both of you get “triggered”. Maybe your partner says or does something that hits a button inside of you and all of a sudden you’re really angry. You feel like you’ve lost control of your ability to stay calm and listen to anything your partner is saying. This is not uncommon. 

We all have histories and life experiences that have shaped us to be sensitive to certain topics or certain words. When your person, the person you want the most comfort from, pushes one of those buttons, it sends your nervous system into distress and there’s an immediate subconscious reaction to protect yourself emotionally. More often than not, these topics can hit the “I’m not good enough” or “I’m too much” button for you or your partner - your deepest insecurities are triggered over your partner asking you to do more chores around the house or telling you that you’re “overreacting”.

When these buttons get pushed, your nervous system ramps up - all of a sudden you’re in fight or flight mode without even recognizing it. You might notice your heart rate increase, your body gets hot, or even feel tension or tightness in your throat or chest - this is your body responding to a perceived threat. Although the situation is not physically dangerous, your mind has sent the signal to your body that you are not “safe” and you either need to fight the threat or retreat. 

The “perceived threat” in this situation is that you and your partner are disconnected, you’re no longer on the same page and there is a chance this could lead to further conflict, and further disconnection. It feels like you could lose the sense of security with your person altogether. Your partner often acts as a shelter - a place you can return to when you feel that you need comfort. However, when that source of comfort becomes unavailable, your mind perceives this as a danger to your well-being. It might sound crazy that your mind and body make these connections and react in a matter of seconds, but research tells us that when our partner feels emotionally unavailable, our body’s alarm system goes off because our “safety” and “security” has been threatened. 

What can we do differently during conflict?

Many couples think they just need to work on communication issues to be able to resolve conflict more effectively. In reality, what couples really need is to learn how to listen to one another, understand their emotional experience, and be able to validate each other’s concerns. Here are some things you can do during conflict to help ease your nervous system so you can hear your partner without turning to ineffective coping mechanisms.

1. Pause and take a few deep breaths

One of the most effective ways to communicate to your mind and body that you are safe and can turn the alarm system off is to take a few deep breaths. When our fight or flight system gets triggered, we are ready to deal with a perceived threat. At that moment, it’s important to signal to your body that you are not in physical danger. Take a deep inhale through your nose and exhale slowly through your mouth. Tell yourself that you are safe and not in immediate harm. 

This strategy will help you stay in touch with your body and your emotions - which ultimately helps you have a clearer sense of what you’re feeling so that you can communicate that to your partner. If we are not in touch with our mind and body and we are feeling emotionally heightened, we become reactive and act without a second thought; this can cause hurt and pain to our partners. Taking a few deep breaths helps to bring the reasoning part of your brain back online. 

2. Consider the feelings under the anger or frustration.

Anger is known as a “secondary” or “reactive” emotion, which means that we usually feel something beneath the anger but have a hard time expressing it. Usually beneath the anger is fear, sadness, or pain. It can feel scary and vulnerable to dive a little bit deeper and acknowledge that your partner has hurt you in some way. And it can feel even scarier to share that with your partner - maybe you’re not sure that they will be able to receive that information or you fear it will only make them get upset with you.

This is what we explore in Emotionally-Focused couples therapy - what makes it difficult to share these emotions with your partner? What makes it difficult for your partner to take in that information? Consider these questions as you are trying to make sense of your emotional experience and maybe even your partner’s.

3. Be mindful of your actions during conflict.

Our own emotions often cause us to behave in a way to defend or protect ourselves. That might look like yelling, getting defensive, using a certain tone, walking away from conflict, shutting down, etc. Try to become aware of what you do when you feel upset. Maybe you get so angry and feel like you just can’t handle the argument anymore so you walk away, retreat to the bedroom, and slam the door. What were some feelings that caused you to have that reaction? 

4. Try empathizing with your partner.

How do you think you would feel if your partner displayed the same behavior that you were reacting to them with? This is not a way to make you feel guilty or shameful of your behavior, but rather a way to genuinely consider how you might feel if roles were reversed. If you can say something along the lines of, “If my partner left the conversation without saying anything and then slammed the door, I think I would feel hurt and alone like they didn’t care about me”, you are well on your way to being able to show your partner that you understand their experience. While you and your partner may not feel the same things in those moments, empathizing and checking in with your partner on their experience is a great way to get the conversation started. 

**Disclaimer: If you feel genuinely unsafe sharing any of this information with your partner, it may be more beneficial to seek the help of a professional before trying any of these things on your own. In couples therapy, we create a sense of safety in the therapeutic space that allows us to dig into some of these vulnerabilities. If you have any fears about your physical safety with your partner, please speak to an individual therapist or contact the National Domestic Violence hotline