Attachment Theory, first developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, has gained increasing attention on social media and has people questioning their attachment style and what they can do about it.
But first things first - what is attachment and why should I care about it?
Attachment theory is the idea that humans innately desire not only social contact, but a sense of emotional closeness & connection. Humans want to know they have close people they can rely on to “see” them emotionally. From the moment we are born, we long to feel understood by the most important people in our lives - we want to know they will be there when we need them and that they will understand us if we share our vulnerabilities.
Attachment theory helps us understand the different ways that people act out this innate desire for connection and acceptance, depending on the different life experiences they have had. Bowlby and Ainsworth found that the young children they studied generally fell into one of four attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, or fearful-avoidant, sometimes called disorganized. Later researchers discovered that adults actually tend to fall into these same categories in their primary relationships later in life.
To have a secure attachment style is to have a sense of security about yourself, your emotions, and your relationships - you feel comfortable and safe opening up to people in your life and you are attuned to their emotions and needs as well.
You may, however, relate more to an anxious or avoidant attachment style. In these ways of relating, you can become so preoccupied with your own distress that it’s hard to see other people’s emotions or perspectives (anxious) or dismiss yours and other peoples’ emotions altogether (avoidant). A disorganized attachment style can develop when caregivers are unsafe or abusive, and can manifest in a mix of anxious and avoidant strategies in relationships.
How do attachment styles relate to depression and anxiety?
A good majority of people seek therapy services for either depression or anxiety, so why do we care about attachment?
Secure attachment has been found to be related to a number of positive mental health and well-being outcomes: resilience, optimism, high self-esteem, confidence, a sense of belonging, the ability to regulate emotions, sensitive attunement to others, compassion, empathic responsiveness…the list goes on and on. When an individual sees a loved one as a “safe and secure base”, they become better adjusted humans who have healthier relationships with others.
Anxious and avoidant attachment styles have been associated with vulnerability to depression and other stress related disorders like anxiety.
Many times anxiety and depression can manifest in relationships - an anxious attachment style can be related to feeling a sense of loss, abandonment, loneliness, and helplessness interpersonally. On the other hand, avoidant attachment has been associated with achievement-related depression - perfectionism, self-criticism, and hyper self-reliance.
Here’s where Attachment-based and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT and EFIT) come in.
Emotionally Focused Therapy is one of the few therapy modalities proven to help people shift into more secure ways of relating to themselves and their partner.
We can learn to become securely attached when we challenge the narratives we have about our own emotions and how our loved ones will react to them. A therapist becomes your “safe space” where you can explore your pattern of reacting to emotions and they can help you navigate understanding them better. In doing so, we become more open to emotional connection and vulnerability and less concerned with feelings of abandonment or hyper self-reliance. When we learn more secure ways of relating to ourselves and others, we create positive feedback loops that can counteract some of the most painful aspects of depression and anxiety.
In EFT couples therapy, a therapist helps to facilitate communication with you and your partner about how your attachment narratives contribute to a pattern of conflict that you and your partner might get into, time and time again. Change happens when you and your partner are able to identify these narratives and patterns and become a “safe space” for one another to share emotions openly. This secure connection allows for growth and enhances both a stronger sense of self and resilience to stress.
