Part 2: Transparency: Communication Essentials in Consensual Non-monogamy
“Feelings of worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where individual differences are appreciated, mistakes are tolerated, communication is open, and rules are flexible–the kind of atmosphere that is found in a nurturing family.” - Virginia Satir
Effective communication contributes to the foundation of any healthy relationship, and in the context of consensual non-monogamy, it becomes an essential part of successfully fostering trust, closeness, and intimacy. In this second segment of the ‘Untangling Love’ 4-part series, we explore the importance of open, honest, and respectful communication when navigating the intricacies of non-monogamous dynamics. From setting expectations to negotiating boundaries, I offer practical attachment-based insights for fostering deeper understanding and trust for all parties involved.
No ‘Mind-Reading’: Communicating Expectations
Unsurprisingly, effective communication is one of the cornerstones of any successful relationship, and it becomes even more crucial in non-monogamous dynamics. Communicating expectations openly, honestly, and respectfully is key to fostering trust and understanding among all parties involved. In the context of a society that predominantly values monogamous relationships, one significant challenge arises from partners often assuming a default stance of monogamy without ever engaging in explicit and intentional communication about their relationship expectations. This lack of open dialogue can lead to misunderstandings and conflicts, particularly when partners hold differing interpretations of what monogamy entails. In my practice, I frequently observe couples discussing their expectations and boundaries only after one partner has crossed them, whether knowingly or inadvertently. Despite a difference in relationship structure, some of these themes are also prevalent within CNM relationships.
What one partner perceives as obvious in a relationship dynamic may not align with the other's understanding. Therefore, it's imperative in any relationship structure, to refrain from making assumptions about your partner's thoughts, feelings, or behaviors. Clear and open communication is the cornerstone of healthy relationships, enabling partners to establish mutual understanding and respect for each other's needs and boundaries. By actively engaging in dialogue and continuously reaffirming shared expectations, couples can navigate the complexities of their relationship dynamics more effectively and foster a stronger connection built on trust and transparency.
Get Curious About You, First
To begin fostering healthy communication and understanding in your relationships, it's crucial to first identify your own needs, desires, and boundaries. Acknowledging these aspects is essential because we cannot effectively communicate what we do not recognize within ourselves. In relationships, needs differ from wants. Needs are fundamental requirements for emotional and relational well-being. When a need is met, you typically feel fulfilled, but when it goes unfulfilled, its absence becomes noticeable and may lead to dissatisfaction.
On the other hand, desires encompass a wide range of preferences and wishes, from simple daily rituals like kissing goodnight to wanting to explore elaborate fantasies. It's important to approach the exploration of desires with mindfulness, recognizing that internalized shame may hinder you from fully acknowledging and embracing these desires. For instance, individuals who have experienced religious trauma might carry heightened shame surrounding sexuality and intimacy, making it challenging for them to openly and confidently express sexually-related desires. By becoming aware of and owning your needs, desires, and boundaries, you lay the foundation for authentic communication and mutual understanding in your relationships.
Meaning Guides Communication
Whether you’ve always practiced non-monogamy or are just starting out, you get to determine what it means to you. Reflect on what non-monogamy means to you and what you hope to gain from it. Having clarity about this meaning and any values associated with it, will provide further insight into the types of expectations you may have from yourself and partners. For example, if being non-monogamous means freedom and autonomy to you, you may have specific expectations and boundaries around the types of activities you share and time commitments you make to your partners. Or, if non-monogamy primarily means emotional fulfillment to you, you may want and expect a certain level of emotional intimacy with your partners, that someone else may not.
Once you have admitted these to yourself, engage in open dialogue with your partners about your needs, desires, and boundaries, and inquire about theirs. Part of open communication, and more than relaying the content of your realizations, it’s also important to communicate how you feel about having these discussions. If these topics were a normal part of your upbringing or other relationships, you may have a larger window of tolerance for these discussions, while a partner who grew up in a strict family, may have more difficulty diving right in. As you are having these discussions, aim to be transparent about your comfort levels, fears, and insecurities, and encourage your partners to do the same. Utilize active listening skills to ensure that everyone feels heard, validated, and respected. Validate your partners' feelings and experiences, even if they differ from your own. Remember that empathy and compassion are essential components of effective communication.
To broach this open dialogue, you can begin the discussion by saying something like:
"I've noticed that growing up, we [did or didn’t] really talk about our needs, desires, and boundaries. Reflecting on this, I've realized I feel [insert your emotion: comfortable, scared, nervous, confused, embarrassed, overwhelmed, shy, content, etc.]. Because you and our relationship mean a lot to me, I think it’s important that we have these discussions; not only to prevent misunderstandings in the future but also to gain clarity on how we can best show up for each other.”
If you are finding this type of communication very difficult, it may be an indication that your relationship(s) could benefit from the support of a CNM-affirming therapist, like those at Colorado Therapy Collective. This is nothing to feel bad about, just a sign that you may benefit from additional support.
In the next part of this four part series, we will focus on the role of boundaries in consensually non-monogamous relationships.
